A rainbow baby is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth. A rainbow is this beautiful thing that follows the awful storm of losing the baby. In my case, my storm happened October 10th, 2012, and our rainbow (positive pregnancy test) showed up July 10th, 2013
My husband and I found out we were pregnant September 24th, 2012. We were so excited! We had been trying all summer to get pregnant and although 3 months is not a long time to try to get pregnant, it was a rough time for me. Jonathan had just gotten back from a 6th month deployment in Afghanistan and we had decided a month before he left that I would get off birth control and we would leave it up to God for when we got pregnant. So the entire time he was gone, I prepared my heart, body and soul for motherhood; it is all I have ever wanted.
I remember taking the test and screaming at Jon to come to the bathroom right away. The line was so faint and I thought I was seeing things. He came in and said he saw it to and we hugged and both of us just couldn't stop smiling.
We told friends and family right away that we were pregnant. We could not hold it in at all! We were 4 weeks exactly and ready to share the good news with anyone who would listen. At 6 weeks, after my visit with my doctor, we decided we would announce our pregnancy on Facebook!
This is how we announced it:
Everyone was so happy for us and I was over the moon with happiness. Little did I know that just 6 days later I would lose my baby. It was a Sunday morning before Church that I noticed I was bleeding. Now bleeding can be common in early pregnancy so I wasn't alarmed. It was only a little bit so I put on a panty liner and continued to get ready for church. Right before we were going to leave for church I could tell I was bleeding a lot more. We made the decision to go to the emergency room and I called my mom and she prayed for us as we were on our way. I remember still feeling very hopeful the whole time. We were checked in and we waited in the room. I was freezing cold in there so being cold we actually a distraction for me. We got wheeled back to the ultrasound room and the tech was very quiet. This was going to be my first ultrasound. She inserted the wand and continued to look at the screen...she said nothing at all to us. I just sat there with tears of anticipation hoping to hear good news.
The tech said nothing at all to us and we were wheeled back to our room and she said the doctor would be with us shortly to explain the results. So we waited...the doctor came in and explained that they could see a sac and fetal pole and that we just might not be as far along as we thought. I needed to follow up with my doctor to monitor my blood levels. My number was 106. The HCG blood level should double every two to three days in the early weeks of pregnancy so I should see an increase the next time they took blood.
So on Monday morning I called my doctor and they had me come in right away to get blood work done. After my blood was taken they told me I could call back in 3 hours and get my results. So I headed home and I remember still feeling very positive and the thought of losing my baby was far from my mind. I called 3 hours and 5 minutes after my blood had been drawn and had to wait 16 minutes for the nurse to read my results. I will never, ever, ever forget how my results were said to me, "Well Mrs. Goebel, you're HCG blood level was 42 so you are no longer pregnant." She kept talking after that but I cannot remember a thing she said. I was still trying to process how the most devastating results of my entire life where just casually thrown at me. I think I said, in a rude tone, "thanks for my results" and hung up on her. She had no sympathy whatsoever.
Jonathan was still at work and I was alone. I sat on the floor with tears in my eyes and stared at the window. I honestly didn't know what to do next. I think part of me didn't really believe that I had just had that phone conversation and another part of me was scared to call Jonathan. I can't remember if I called my mom next or if I called Jonathan. I'm pretty sure I called my mom and we cried and prayed but for some reason I was so terrified to call Jonathan because I did not want to disappoint him. Eventually I did. I calmly told him that my blood level dropped and that meant we lost the baby. He said he was so sorry and that we could get pregnant again and that God is in control. He headed home shortly after that call and I have to say that waiting for him to come home was so terrifying for me. It was like I knew when he got home, it would be the first time I would have to face to face say to someone that we lost our baby. It took him 15 minutes to get home and in those 15 minutes I tried to pull myself together and put on a brave face.
I waited in our bedroom because I didn't want to see his face when he walked through the front door. As soon as he opened our bedroom door, I collapsed into arms and fell to the floor. I sobbed for a good twenty minutes. I cannot remember what he said to me but it was enough to calm me down.
We sat on the couch and just held each other for awhile. I remember letting out a big sigh and saying, "We told everyone on Facebook...now we have to tell them we lost our baby." I wasn't looking forward to it. Jonathan came up with the best thing to say. This is what we put as our status,
"This
seems easier than calling everyone and trying to remember who all we
told. But, my wife and I were expecting a baby, but we have an angel
instead. It's all in God's hands and He will bless us with a healthy
baby when the time is right. If God brings you to it, He'll bring you
through it."
That night we held each other tight and we both cried ourselves to sleep that night. I had only seen Jonathan cry one other time (on our wedding day as I walked towards him) so I knew he was feeling the same pain that I was. The next day we decided to see a movie and go out to dinner to celebrate the little life our baby got to share with us. In the following weeks, I poured myself into research about miscarriage and ways to cope. Painting was one of the things that I read would help. So I did. I poured my heart and soul into the painting and it will forever be a special painting to me.
Once this painting was finished (took about 5 days) I felt like it was ok to stop focusing on my loss and start celebrating the fact that I COULD get pregnant and that God loved us enough to bless us with a baby, even if he/she was going to be in Heaven. We'll meet our precious angel someday.
We continued to try to conceive every month and every month I would get my period and be totally devastated. Around January 2013 I made an appointment with my doctor because my cycle was about 50-55 days long (usually it's around 28 days long). So I knew something was off. My doctor sent me to a fertility specialist. I went through every blood test, ultrasound and test they do for fertility issues. The results were "inconclusive." I remember my doctor saying, "You simply do not ovulate every month. You have unexplained infertility." We went over what our options would be and clomid was the next step (this was April 2013). Clomid is a drug that induces ovulation and forces your body to release an egg. Jonathan and I decided that we would continue to try to get pregnant on our own and that we would start Clomid once we were settled in our new apartment in Illinois this summer. Every month from that point on was another disappointment because yet again I was still not pregnant.
June finally came and we made the long, long, LONG drive across the country. We moved from Southern California to Illinois in June. I was a long drive in a moving truck but it gave us a lot of time to talk.
I remember talking about getting pregnant and we both decided that we were not going to try in the month of June and that we would just enjoy visiting family and focusing on getting our lives started in Illinois. We had two trips planned for the summer. One was to Minnesota in late June and the other was to Michigan for 4th of July.
We loved having the freedom to travel and had a great time visiting family and friends!
We spent this time enjoying our freedom and found joy in getting to spend so much time together. We grew closer together and fell even more in love!
A week after we returned home from Michigan something in me told me I should take a pregnancy test. It was a Sunday before Church...it was positive! I couldn't believe it. For months I saw nothing but negative pregnancy tests and here I was holding a clear as day positive pregnancy test! (If you want to read more about that day and when I found out I was pregnant, please see my first post on this blog).
We were so happy! We were much more cautious and waited to tell our parents until 6 weeks. We surprise both parents at my inlaws house my wrapping up onsies that said "We're pregnant" and had them open the boxes up at the same time. We got everyone's reactions on video and it was such an amazing day!
We waited until we had our first ultrasound and prenatal appointment before deciding to announce our pregnancy on Facebook. After how hard it was last time to share it so soon, we wanted to wait a bit longer to be more sure of the pregnancy. At 10 weeks we shared this with everyone!
So now, I am going on 37 weeks pregnant and reaching the end of my pregnancy. Pretty soon I will get to meet my rainbow baby; the little blessing after the storm of miscarriage.
I often think about how how MadeLynn is not my first baby and I always feel a twinge of guilt when people ask, "Is this your first?" because I want to say no, "I have a son or daughter waiting for me in Heaven." Although I never met him or her, I love my child with all my heart. My first baby is waiting for me in Heaven and I so look forward to the day I get to meet him or her. Jonathan and I decided to name that baby Sam Taylor Goebel. We figured that he or she needed a name and we felt that name worked either way.
I know our little Sam Taylor has been watching over their little sister throughout this pregnancy and that MadeLynn and all of our other children will always have an older sibling watching over them from Heaven.
Sam Taylor Goebel
went to Heaven October 10th, 2012.
Until we meet in Heaven. I love you Sam Taylor Goebel.
